When we go south we watch a lot of netflix. We don't watch it up north for a few different reasons. One if the main ones is that my kids don't know it can be watched from anywhere! I think that's funny. So at home it's PBS for us. But when we are at our little cabin in the woods netflix is a treat.
One of the movies Gracie likes to watch is a cartoon that tells the story of Joseph and his brothers. I've seen it a handful of times. I like that she enjoys it so much. It's like a bit of everything for her. It's got music, adventure, a bit of a thrill, love, and a happy ending. It's given us a great chance to talk about the story from the Bible and how Joseph had to trust God.
Tonight it was on again. I was half heartedly listening to it as I cleaned and straightening. It was when Joseph had been thrown in the dungeon/prison (I realize it's a cartoon, and also there were some liberties taken because it's a kids story, but go with me here) Joseph is crying out to God. He is mad. He is sad. He is hurting. His life looks pretty bleak. Brothers sold him. Slavery. Prison. Doesn't get much worse than that.
It doesn't does it? The Bible is filled with stories like this. A man who lost everything. His family, his wealth, home, and even health. Another man whose wife turned to a pillar of salt! And one whose son tricked him into giving his inheritance to the wrong child. A woman who lost her husbands and then her only children. A man who served the Lord and was stoned! Another beheaded! Of course, there is then the woman who carried and bore the Savior to the entire world. She had to do it in a stable first of all and then keep him away from the king (I imagine that caused some stress) Second, she had to watch him die a horrible, awful dealth. Seriously!
These stories are from the Word of God. Since then these same things have happened over and over.
Wow. Did you come today looking for cute pictures and to hear of the antics of my kids and instead I'm telling you about horror stories?
My point is this. Bad things happen. They do. They always have. They are going to keep happening. It stinks. I hate it, but it's true. So while I was watching this kids cartoon tonight, I was reminded that my pain, my hurt over Ella, is not a new story. There was some instant comfort in that. Some balm to my heavy heart. Pain is not new to our Lord. It's actually not new to any of us either.
I have put some unrealistic expectations on myself. I should just write a note (or two or three) and put it up somewhere that says. "You are hurting. It's going to be like this. It's ok." On good days, or even weeks I start to feel that I am "moving on". I hate that phrase, actually. What I mean by that is that it doesn't hurt so bad. I can talk about Ella, share her pictures, tell her birth story, even tell about how hard those first few weeks were and I don't fall apart. I actually like it. It feels normal and nice to talk about her. That's gotta mean I'm good to go right?
Aaannnndddd then here comes the holidays and santa clause and fun memories and yada yada yada. (insert eye roll) and I can laugh one minute and be a hot mess the next. I can be so happy to be with my husband and kids in the car singing songs and looking at lights and that same moment will bring me to tears almost simultaneously.
So, while I feel this heavy feeling and like I'm just hanging in there sometimes, this isn't new. Others, so many others, have walked this road before me. All the way back to the stories that are in my worn, green leather Bible. Hurt is happening. It's going to happen. But God knows it. Oh, praise you God that you know it.
Joseph cried out to God in the dungeon. God heard him and met him there. It's pretty amazing to me that the same God that helped him walk through his sadness, anger, abandonment that long ago is still here for me today. Sometimes I think he must smile at me when I'm self diagnosing myself as "moving on". I know that this is hard and that this whole first year will be filled with lots of this. If it sounds like I'm repeating myself on these long sappy posts, I probably am. I'm writing to remind myself of His goodness. I'm doing it because sometimes it feels almost too heavy to bear. But it's not. He can take it.
I am working hard at taking these thoughts to him during this time. It is not passing me by that while I am so so sad that my daughter was born and left me so quickly, I am getting ready to celebrate the fact that HIS son was born and left him. Not only that, he was on a mission that was going to cause lots of sadness and pain. But with such a great reward.
If you hung in there for this novel, thanks. Again, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out. I'm grateful you listened. :)