Life is flying by. Grace seems to be growing up literally right before my eyes. When she plays with big kids like her cousins, I swear she ages by a few years each time. She will say things that has me flashing forward to teenage years. Oh Lord, let them be easy! (smile)
I've been feeling good. We are having meals made my me, our days are planned, we are playing together again. I even am branching out with two and letting them paint and get messy. Don't laugh. Painting and messy activities have not been my pick when I was pregnant so this is big.
In the car the other night Grace and I were talking about Ella. She didn't get to see her so it's not really so tangible for her. She just wants to know when we'll have another! She used to include Ella in her prayers at night. That's stopped and it makes me so sad. I can't and won't force her to remember her in a certain way but I want Ella to always be in our lives.
I told Grace that Ella loved her and it lit her face up! She said "yeah Mom, I could make her jump and move in your belly. I was so good at that." Oh, that moment was just want I needed. Yes, Grace could make Ella move. It was so good of the Lord to remind me of that memory of my two girls together.
The hurt is still there. I believe it always will be. The tears still come, although less often, at random times. It may be a memory, a song, or something I'm reading. But times like this with my kids, times when I'm feeling "normal" and doing "normal" things are helping.
Today I am thankful for life. I'm thankful for these two treasures. I'm thankful for painting and getting messy and the fact that my rugs are dirty and our clothes have stains. I wouldn't trade that for anything. It means that I have these two precious souls to play with and take care of. Thank you Lord!