(photo credit Marah )
Today my youngest would have been 10 weeks old. Today I should have been talking about how much sleep I am getting, if any, and what kind of baby she is, fussy, or not. I should have been more frazzled leaving the house, with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and newborn.
Instead I spent about 10 minutes or so crying my eyes out in a bathroom with a group of women outside. (the ugly cry, you know the kind...) I have had a great few weeks but I could tell in the past few days that a good cry was needed. So I cried, called a friend, then picked myself up and moved on.
And I am still ok.
A friend told me that my blotchy red face is like war wounds and to wear them proudly. Another friend brought me juice and let me cry. Another came in and waited till I was ready, then walked out with me.
I think that today, besides, just needing to cry, it just hit me a bit. The injustice of this. I want my baby. I want her with me. I want to have to figure out where I'm going to nurse and when she'll be ready to eat again. I want my house to be a wreck because I'm barely functioning because she's up all night.
My husband, if here were here right now, would tell me- "Babe, it's not about you." That's a line we use often in our house. It can be because it's about another person's special day, or because it's about our family as a whole, or because it's about the bigger picture God has for us.
And it's true. It's not about me. I'm sad and I know that's ok I know that it was perfectly fine for me to cry today. And I ended up having a great morning. But there is so much more to this story. It's not about my selfish desires of wanting Ella in my arms. She was created for a purpose and God's plan for her was and is bigger than I'll ever know. It's about giving Him the glory and praise and knowing that He has a plan for us. I don't understand it, and that's ok too. I'm glad I don't have to understand it all and make sense of everything. I'm glad I don't orchestrate my own life. I'd much rather leave it in the hands of the One who does have it all laid out.
I started a new album of Scripture today. One of the verses in it is a favorite of mine
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"
So today I'm giving thanks, even in the hard-
- God's plan for my life and that I can rest in knowing he knows my future and will give me hope
- ladies who love me and will laugh and cry with me
- my babies' names around my neck
- a lunch picnic with Gracie and Graham
- watching clouds on our backs
- God's reminder that I'm not in this alone.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways declares the Lord