This article spoke to me in the past month more so than ever. (click on it and you will be able to read it) Since we have a new baby we are often asked in a friendly way how many kids we have. I have said "three" and that most certainly didn't feel right. A few times right after Gavin was born I said "four" But that didn't feel right either. The person sometimes asked how old they were and then I either said "5, 3, 1.5, and Gavin" or I said their ages and that we had one who passed away. Then comes the awkwardness and sadness that follows when one talks about a dead baby.
I have come to decide (and feel good about) that I will choose what to say when the situation arises. Sometimes you may hear me say "3" and sometimes "4". I may share that we have one in heaven or I may not. What often has felt best is saying we have "three" here. That may be just semantics but I don't care.
The truth is that while we are LOVING our new little man, we are often reminded that we are missing one. Gavin is perfect and wonderful and so sweet, but he does not replace Ella. I am in a good place emotionally and although I'm tired from lack of sleep I have done better than I thought I would after having him. I had a good cry on the way to the hospital in labor and a few after but for the most part I feel good. But my sweet son does not make my heart "whole" per say. I find myself in the middle of the night searching his face and then looking at our pictures of Ella to find resemblances like with his other two siblings. I find myself sighing a bit in relief when Grace or Graham mention Ella, which reminds me that they still remember. I am planning our family picture wall and trying to determine how best to show pictures of all four of my babies. She is absolutely not forgotten here.
There is a little bit of bittersweetness going on here. I am so glad that we have a healthy baby boy here but the more time moves on, it does feel like we are leaving Ella behind a little bit. When I feel and think this way I make myself remember that she is in heaven and time there stands still- and isn't that great? To be at the feet of our Father forever? How blessed is Ella? Blessed indeed.