Home

We moved here in January of 2012, for what we thought would be a few years.  We still had our house up north and we were pregnant with our third baby.  We called this place our "second home" and still went back and forth as Shane had to work here (and there, and everywhere!) but I wanted to have our baby up north.

We ended up leaving that May when we received the news that our unborn baby, our Ella, had Trisomy 13 and would not be with us for long, if at all when she was born.  We kind of hibernated when we receive the news.  First for a week here, then for the rest of the time at our house up north.

For me, this house here was filled with memories of Ella.  I was pregnant here with her.  And normal pregnant.  Meaning, I was living life like we were going to bring her home.  I remember painting the kitchen here and being pregnant.  I remember buying her some valentines shirts and little clearance Christmas onesies.  I tucked them onto a shelf, only to bring them out months later... with no one to wear them.

When we got Ella's diagnosis we moved back up north and stayed for over a year...  we would come down here sometimes, as Shane still had responsibilities here.  Grace and Graham loved it.  They loved being in the woods, exploring the creek, even their big bedroom.  Shane felt so peaceful here.  He loved sitting on the deck overlooking the woods.  I didn't feel the same.  Everywhere I looked there were little memories of Ella.  It made me sad.  Even the "beep" sound of the Roku in our bedroom reminded me of times when I would sneak in and watch a show and just feel her kick!

After a year or so we decided it was time to move down here.  We didn't know for how long but we knew it would at least be two years.  Here we are four years later....  We have found a church and friends and activities and life goes on.  Yet I have always hesitated when someone visits and says "It is amazing you live here, don't you love it?"  I often will say something like "the kids love it" to defer the response.  It never really felt like home to me, or at least it wasn't what I thought "home" would be like.

Our dear friends David and Marah came to visit a month or so ago.  It was a quick trip but we always love catching up with them.  They are so fun and kind and sweet to our kids.  We used to be neighbors and they are the kind you want to keep around forever.

And Marah is a photographer.  That seems a little bit of an understatement.  She's fantastic and amazing and has photographed two of our kids as babies.  She did family pictures for us after Ella as well and those pics of Grace and Graham remain a favorite.  So Marah is coming to visit and says "I'll have my equipment... want me to take a few pictures?"  Friends, when someone this talented asks, you don't hesitate.  You just say YES and plan some outfits.

It was quick and painless.  We took some pictures and then went on a hike and enjoyed the rest of our time with our friends.  Marah sent these pictures to me that night and they took my breath away.

Home.

Never have I felt like this was home until I looked at these pictures.  But it is.  It's our home.  My big kids have made forts in these woods and created fairy houses all over.  They have caught hundreds of crayfish in the creek.  Gavin was six weeks old when we moved here and he loves nothing more than to spend the day with his dad "working" at the camp.  Gagie was born here and this is all he knows.  Home.

This pictures above...  it's got the Moneto sign in the background... you can see our house in the top corner... It's got the creek that we all love.  And my most important people (and the necklace that I always wear with ALL my kids names - even Ella, so she's included too).  I looked at this picture and realized that I DO love it here.  I DO feel like this is home. It isn't the way I wanted it and the way I thought it would look but it's good nonetheless.  It has happy memories and it is the place where my kiddos will remember with fondness and joy.

Sometimes you can get caught up in what you don't have or what you expect to have and not see what is right in front of you.  Sometimes God gives you what you ask for but it doesn't look exactly the way you thought it would.  And it's ok. 

And when you finally see that He is here and He is doing what you've asked it is overwhelming and awesome.  Six years ago I thought that I would NEVER feel good in this place.  I never could imagine doing life without Ella. I didn't think I would be happy here.  And somewhere along the road, God showed up and while it doesn't look like I thought it should, it's pretty great.

This is my home.  These are my people.  And it turns out that the house where I have happy memories of being pregnant with Ella is exactly what I need right now.  And if we move tomorrow (or next year, or whenever....), God will show up and make wherever we land great too.  He's pretty amazing like that.