Thankfulness

I haven't posted about my thoughts on Ella in a bit so I thought I would catch up (for myself, I know that i don't have to explain my thoughts to you, or the internet world!)

Our Easter was nice.  We were in Michigan and celebrated at my parent's church.  I always enjoy listening to their pastor and always feel like he shares something that I can "take home".  One of the other things I like about him is that he is passionate.  When he feels strong emotion, it's evident in how he expresses himself.  It's like he cannot not get excited or emotional.   (and he has long hair and Gracie said once, "mom, Jesus is here" when we were visiting- ha!)

He began his sermon by sharing about the weekend services they held and the baptisms that they were able to share.  He was choked up a few times at some of what he was sharing, and I, of course, got teary eyed too.

And then his message.  I wouldn't do a good job explaining it to you if I tried, but you can listen to it here .  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Mary went to the tomb and she was so, so sad.  She was mourning the loss of Jesus, but he was gone.  It became resurrection ground.  He shared that the tomb can represent hurt, pain, suffering, or even an actual tomb in our lives but there is HOPE!  Jesus was resurrected and we have hope.   Again, I'm not doing it justice, so if you want to know what spoke to me so greatly, go and listen to it.  And listen to it all the way through because he brings it at the end!

I was a hot mess of tears during most of his message.  It's hard to explain- part of it was pain.  It felt acutely painful that my baby died and that the suffering of the tomb was so heavy for me.  I was crying because I have felt such sadness and despair this past year.  But it wasn't all sadness.  I don't know if that will make sense to some people.  This was also a cry with hope and thanksgiving.  Easter, like I said makes it all ok.  What Jesus did on the cross and afterward makes the pain that we are facing only temporary.   It was a healing cry, if that makes sense.  Afterward when some sweet people came up to hug me, I just wanted to say (and sometimes did)  Today makes it ok, there is hope.  I will be ok because of the empty tomb.  Praise the Lord!

Since that day I have felt so much better emotionally.  I feel like I had a moment that I needed and was avoiding for so long.  Time to face the pain that I was feeling and let it go.  I know I will always deal with it and there will be hard times.  (this past week I cried all the way through the song "10,000 Reasons" while a visitor at my friends church-yikes!)  I still feel moments where it hurts so so much.  But then I also have times where I just feel.....  good.  Graham was laying in bed beside me and he pointed the picture of Ella and said "baby Ella"  I said, yeah buddy, that's your sister, and he nodded.  That felt so good to me.  He will be too young to have memories of this time but he will always know his sister.   It feels like the clouds that have hung over us are parting and I don't feel so "heavy" anymore and for that I am so, so grateful.

Gracie and I were in the car last week and she gave me a flower petal to "remember Baby Ella".  She mentioned that it may make me cry (ha, has she seen that often or what?!)  I said, yes, I do sometimes cry when I miss her.  Her profound words are something I need to remind myself of regularly.  She said "Mom, you don't need to be sad about that, she's in heaven!  So don't cry about that anymore!"  

Amen sister.  Amen.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Like everyone else, we had some very rainy days last week.  It proved perfect for us to put on our boots and head out to the lake, er, puddle in the back yard.  It was cold this day though and still raining and the kids got pretty wet but they had so much fun!

The next day Shane gave Grace a very important job.  She had to save all the worms on the sidewalk. She accepted her mission and got busy saving all her friends.  :)

On a side note, I just learned how to save pictures from my phone via text message directly to my blog!!!!  That's going to mean more updated pics for all of you- hooray!

Easter in Pics

This was at our local community center.  Graham had fun, Grace just humored us!

Coloring eggs at Aunt Michelle's.  

Finding eggs at Aunt Michelle and Uncle Adam's!  They had fun and there were SO many eggs!

And I'm proud to say that I only had a few of their treats that night but none after!  (Go willpower!)

Cousins!

When we were little my mom used to make bunny cakes.  She carried on the tradition and Aaron decorated it.  The kids loved it!

Thankful Thursday

I have not put my heart into preparing for Easter this year like I should.  This weekend coming is the celebration of the most important weekend for us as Christians.  Well, for all of us really- Jesus died on the cross for all of us. But this is the weekend that we who know the redeeming power of the cross truly celebrate and rejoice.

He is risen...

The stone has been rolled away...

Come see....

I was speaking with someone this week and she said "Easter has a different meaning for you this year doesn't it?" I smiled and nodded and said yes, but it wasn't until my quiet drive home when I began to think about that.

It does mean so much more to me now.  It so does.  

My daughter is in heaven.  I know she is.  And it's because of the cross.

If Jesus would not have taken the pain of that horrible day and bore the sin of man- my sin-  I could not say that with confidence.  But he did.  He took upon himself all of our ugliness, all of our awfulness, our dirty secrets, our shame, our sin.  He did that for me.  He did that for Ella.  But that's not all.  He was broken and beaten and Satan thought he had won, but on that glorious third day, Jesus rose up from the clothes binding him and won the battle.  

Today as I was in my mom's group I was listening to a speaker help us know how to share Easter with our kids and I had this overwhelming thought.  "God lost his son too"  He knows exactly how I feel.   My heart has been so tender this week and it hasn't taken much to bring me to tears but this thought, that my God really does know how I'm feeling is overwhelming.   

These next few days I'm going to do my best to celebrate.  It has not been easy for me because my celebrating may involve lots of ugly cries (ha!) and kleenix and odd looks from others but if you do see me and I have "that look", please know that my tears are not all full of sadness.  There is so, so much gratefulness in there as well.

This is my all time favorite song and there is no better time to sing it than now. Seriously.  If you listen to it, really listen to the words.  How can you not get excited and praise His name??? 

"Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave he rose again!" 

"No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hands... till he returns or calls me home.  Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.  " 

It doesn't get better than that.  Ever.

Happy Easter- :)

These TWO

These two littles have been keeping me busy.

 playing pretend with race cars.

 sneaking green beans from the bowl after dinner (ha!)

 exploring ice scuptures

 with mom

 and dad (it was COLD that night, so we basically, took these and left!)

 learning how to love to eat chip dip like Daddy

 having beach adventures in the living room

pretending to sleep with Daddy

 and being silly in the tub.

I am so thankful for them!

(PS- added a few recipes on the recipe blog- link on the right.  I have a few more to add there too so check back!)

9 months

We are coming up on Ella's being in heaven for 9 months.  Wow.  What stands out to me about that is that very soon she will have been gone longer than she was ever "here" (when I was pregnant with her).

We were in Target yesterday and passing the kids clothes.  Gracie saw a baby dress that was pink with polka dots.  She said "mom that is cute!  We should get that for baby Ella!"  I smiled and explained that she's in heaven and doesn't need that pretty dress."  I think what she was trying to say was that we should have bought it for her before when I was pregnant.   Either way, it was sweet.

I would have loved to have dressed my second daughter in that pretty Easter dress this year.  It would have been wonderful.  Someone said to me recently- do you think Ella would want to come back?  No way. She is in heaven.  She is healed and perfect and with Jesus.  What more could anyone ask for?

So, while this milestone, not having her longer than we had her, comes and passes, I will be grateful that someday we will be together ALWAYS.  And there will be no place else we would ever want to be.   I am grateful for opportunities to talk to Grace about Ella and more importantly about heaven and Jesus.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

The Beehive

One of Graham's favorite things to do is go to story time.  He loves the songs and books and Mrs. Pam his teacher.  This is his favorite song!