Count Your Blessings...

(written a few weeks ago)

Writing has proven to be so therapeutic for me over the past years  I am not sure why then, I have not continued.  I'm sure it's the multitude of things going on.  Anyway, if writing has lifted my spirits and lightened my heart so I will continue.   

For many different reasons my heart has felt heavy in the past month or so.  Some things I can pinpoint- A new house, new places to learn, the host of various Dr apts (all well checks, do not worry) for 5 people in a family makes for lots of scheduling and running, a house that is lived in makes for messes.  And while I am enjoying parts of our homeschooling journey, having my kids home ALL.THE.TIME means that there really isn't a time that it's clean.  Ever. And laundry?  Well, I know that will end when my kids leave for college.  Ha! Throw in there some postpartum hormones and extra baby weight that won't budge and it adds up.

I am a people person.  I love to chat with friends.  I love to make plans and have play dates for my kids.  I like going and doing.  Even though our little town was small, we lived in a great community where friends were a walk away and neighbors loved my kids so well.  There was always someone to visit or a sucker to be shared if my kids just asked sweetly.  (side note:  when I was little I did the exact same thing- took flowers, or weeds, or whatever,  to our neighbor so she would give me cookies. Or pickles.  Ha!)

I am confident that the Lord led us to move for many reasons and He has so blessed us in this journey.  But that doesn't mean it's been easy.  I've been lonely.  I've missed neighbors, and good friends and long walks around the lake.   I've missed a church community that opened their hearts to us so freely. I've missed good worship and a message that challenges me.  (we are still looking for a new church "home") Having three littles has been such an adjustment on top of this.  And we are teaching our kids at home (we LOVE this and this is NOT a problem for us. :) ) Which means there isn't a lot of down time.  And did I mention that they are creative and busy and that my house is NEVER clean? I have a baby who doesn't yet sleep all night- however, I do know that he won't stay little for long and that day is coming soon and oh the rejoicing that will happen when that day comes!

A few times this past week my heart has just been...heavy.  I can't really explain it.  A few times I would just stop and feel like everything was running around me. The thoughts I shared above would weave themselves through my head and I just felt ....sad.  The closest I can get to it is those months after I had Ella where I just felt like I was in a cloud.  Looking back, I know that there was a touch of depression in that cloud.  Grief will do that to you.  

So I am thinking that is it.  I am grieving my old life in my little town and my friends and my church and my sleep.... I think that is ok.  It's ok to be sad about what has changed.  

What is not ok though (for me!) is to stay there.  I'm reminded about this post. It's still applicable for me.   SO... I will count my blessings today and know that being grateful and thankful is one way to cure the blues.  I will trust that He knows the plans He has for me.  

My blessings:

Thing 1,2, and 3.  And this guy.  This day was so so great.  I told Shane that I wanted to go strawberry picking and I wanted us ALL to go.  I am fairly certain that picking strawberries on a hot hot morning with 3 littles was not on his list to do on his day off.  He doesn't even really like strawberries!  But he did it without complaining.  And we did pick!  

And then I had all these berries that were so sweet and yummy and needed made into jam.  (I am pretty sure Grace ate at least 2 quarts!!)

I know this added more to what I already feel like is a full life, but I like this. I  like making food for my family and they love it and it makes me happy to cook/bake/make jam for them.

And he makes me happy.  He took care of the kids, he mashed strawberries, and he ran around looking for extra jars for me.  

52 jars and some change.  Enough for our family to enjoy jam on toast, sandwiches, pancakes... you name it!  Enough to share with friends.  

What a great group of blessings.

*This is not meant to be a woe is me post.  I know and believe that the Lord has us where we are for a reason and I know change is always hard for me.  I will make friends, I will sleep, life will calm down. This post was for me to get my thoughts out and to remind myself to be thankful.  Even in the hardest times there is much to be thankful for.  

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

My family.  I love this picture of Shane and the kids.  They are so so happy to be celebrating Daddy. I love the smile on Shane's face.  He does such a great job being excited and getting the kids excited to celebrate things like this.  They could not wait to eat Daddy's cake.  (I forgot to put eggs in it, by the way.  If you want to have a cake that pretty much falls apart at the touch, leave your eggs out.  ha!)

 And I love this little girl and am thankful that I have great memories of her.  Through some different circumstances in the past few weeks I've been thinking about her an extra amount.  It's the first day of spring and soon the peonies will be coming out.  We are going to plant a pink peony bush to remind us of Ella and three white ones in honor of our other three.  I love this idea.  I saw a pink peony candle in Bob Evans yesterday and wanted to buy it.  I didn't realize how much that flower does and will remind me of Ella.

We are grateful

We are grateful for:

• Storytime and fun games like parachutes.

• two energetic children who keep us busy every day
• one sweet girl in heaven who we'll see someday
• one little man still baking (but there is a countdown on!)

• This funny turkey

• and this one too.
• great dinners where you eat too much and then go back for more before you're really hungry.
• the twinkling lights of our beautiful Christmas tree.  It's been decorated by kids and it's so not perfect and I love it
• family.  Even if we can't spend this day with them, we are grateful for them.  All of them.
• a warm house that is more than we need
• A God who blesses us beyond measure.

Happy Thanksgiving.  We love you all!

Audrey Bunny

Wanted to share the candle I lit for our Ella last night.  We are down south and this picture sits on our mantle.  I love how it looks with a bit of "fall" wrapped around it.  She was so beautiful. 

I got online this morning to catch up on blogs (surprised anyone?!) and read Angie Smith's post about the new children's book that has just been released.  It's a story about "Audrey Bunny".  Her daughter Audrey passed away about 5 years ago and this book is a sweet tribute to her.  We have one ordered from Amazon (you can get yours here) and I'm excited to have it for our collection.

Please read her words. They are perfect.  I couldn't have written them any differently.  Well, I would have actually.  They would not have been nearly as eloquent. :)

I am praising God today- going to do my Thankful Thursday a bit early as I haven't done well keeping up on this blog!  Today I am thankful for:

• being in the beautiful fall tree tops.  This house sits perfectly so every window shows a burst of fall color.  the leaves are just starting to change.  Hoping for some more brilliant color before the weekend.
• hearing my two oldest playing on the stairs.  In between the spurts of fighting and yelling, they are getting along so well.  I just heard one say "you cannot go over my side!"  that brings back so many memories of my sister and I!
• this big cumbersome belly.  I love that it means there is a new life inside me and even though I feel frumpy and dumpy and it's hard to sleep, walk, bend over, etc.  I am so so grateful.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

• A great few days visiting friends from Haiti (the Bakers!) We had them come to Camp Moneto and we all had a great time. My kids and her kids played together so well (7 total!!!) I am thankful for friendships that have lasted going on 14 years.
• Fall- I finally put up some decorations and bought a few mums.  Love them.  
• Bumps and kicks-  my favorite thing to do before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning is wait for #4 to kick and bump around in my belly.   Love it
• Music class!  Tonight starts music class for Gracie and I.  This is our third session and we are both looking forward to it.
• My hard working hubby.  He's a good man. (cute too!)

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

Early swimming when the sun isn't blaring on the beach and the kids are having a blast with a friend (it's not deep even though they seem far out there).

Silly juice explosions that make us laugh and laugh! 

And A/C.  Amen!

This week

This week, I'm a bit off.  I've been walking through this time a year ago in my head, knowing that in just a few days it would be Ella's first birthday.  So one minute I'm happy, having fun chatting with a friend, or reading a book with my kids and the next minute I am full tears and sadness.  Throw in pregnancy hormones in there and it's a big mess.  Yesterday I went to make cookies and didn't have enough brown sugar and I dissolved into tears on the couch.  For brown sugar!!!!!

So, I'm skipping ahead and doing a Thankful Thursday post.  I need some thankfulness in my life and in my heart today.
Today I am thankful for:
*  cloudy/rainy days where we can put a movie in and curl up on the couch
*  ice cream around the table with my family
*  a play date for Graham this morning. Grace usually is the one who has friends over.  It was nice for Graham to have one come play today.
*  Plans with my family to celebrate Ella's first birthday.
*  Shane
*  God who never lets me forget how much He loves me.

Thankful Thursday

Feeling a little emotional today.  Could be lots of things... missing my baby girl, missing my hubby (he's been traveling) a bit of a cold, and a four year old who is trying my nerves.  Either way.

Today I am thankful for:

• MOPS-  I had a great conversation with a new friend at MOPS today. Life hasn't been what she's planned lately.  We both shared how even though the road is hard, it's worth it and God is good He will see us through.
• My husband.  An early phone call this morning brought me strength.  He gave me words to pray that were perfect.  I've been saying them all day.
• New Days- Tomorrow is a new day.  The growing pains of obedience and discipline will not be as strong and she and I will have a new start. 

Amen!  Happy weekend friends.

Life

 Life is flying by.  Grace seems to be growing up literally right before my eyes.  When she plays with big kids like her cousins, I swear she ages by a few years each time.  She will say things that has me flashing forward to teenage years.  Oh Lord, let them be easy! (smile)

I've been feeling good.  We are having meals made my me, our days are planned, we are playing together again.  I even am branching out with two and letting them paint and get messy.  Don't laugh.  Painting and messy activities have not been my pick when I was pregnant so this is big.

In the car the other night Grace and I were talking about Ella.  She didn't get to see her so it's not really so tangible for her.  She just wants to know when we'll have another!  She used to include Ella in her prayers at night.  That's stopped and it makes me so sad.  I can't and won't force her to remember her in a certain way but I want Ella to always be in our lives.

I told Grace that Ella loved her and it lit her face up!  She said "yeah Mom, I could make her jump and move in your belly. I was so good at that."  Oh, that moment was just want I needed.  Yes, Grace could make Ella move.  It was so good of the Lord to remind me of that memory of my two girls together.

The hurt is still there.  I believe it always will be.  The tears still come, although less often, at random times. It may be a memory, a song, or something I'm reading.  But times like this with my kids, times when I'm feeling "normal" and doing "normal" things are helping.

Today I am thankful for life.  I'm thankful for these two treasures.  I'm thankful for painting and getting messy and the fact that my rugs are dirty and our clothes have stains. I wouldn't trade that for anything. It means that I have these two precious souls to play with and take care of.  Thank you Lord!

Thankful Thursday

(photo credit Marah )

Today my youngest would have been 10 weeks old.  Today I should have been talking about how much sleep I am getting, if any, and what kind of baby she is, fussy, or not. I should have been more frazzled leaving the house, with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and newborn.  

Instead I spent about 10 minutes or so crying my eyes out in a bathroom with a group of women outside.  (the ugly cry, you know the kind...)  I have had a great few weeks but I could tell in the past few days that a good cry was needed.  So I cried, called a friend, then picked myself up and moved on.

And I am still ok.

A friend told me that my blotchy red face is like war wounds and to wear them proudly.  Another friend brought me juice and let me cry.  Another came in and waited till I was ready, then walked out with me.

I think that today, besides, just needing to cry, it just hit me a bit.  The injustice of this.  I want my baby.  I want her with me.  I want to have to figure out where I'm going to nurse and when she'll be ready to eat again.  I want my house to be a wreck because I'm barely functioning because she's up all night.  

My husband, if here were here right now, would tell me- "Babe, it's not about you."  That's a line we use often in our house.  It can be because it's about another person's special day, or because it's about our family as a whole, or because it's about the bigger picture God has for us.

And it's true.  It's not about me.  I'm sad and I know that's ok  I know that it was perfectly fine for me to cry today.  And I ended up having a great morning.  But there is so much more to this story.  It's not about my selfish desires of wanting Ella in my arms.  She was created for a purpose and God's plan for her was and is bigger than I'll ever know.  It's about giving Him the glory and praise and knowing that He has a plan for us.  I don't understand it, and that's ok too.  I'm glad I don't have to understand it all and make sense of everything.  I'm glad I don't orchestrate my own life. I'd much rather leave it in the hands of the One who does have it all laid out.

I started a new album of Scripture today.  One of the verses in it is a favorite of mine

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

Jeremiah 29:11

So today I'm giving thanks, even in the hard-

• God's plan for my life and that I can rest in knowing he knows my future and will give me hope
• ladies who love me and will laugh and cry with me
• my babies' names around my neck
• a lunch picnic with Gracie and Graham
• watching clouds on our backs
• God's reminder that I'm not in this alone.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways declares the Lord

Isaiah 55:8

Thankful Thursday

This is the day that the Lord has made. 

Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Today I am thankful for:

• babysitters!  I had a babysitter come over this morning and I accomplished so much!  I even went to lunch by myself.  Lovely
• modern medicine-  I have a lovely case of itchy hives.  No idea why I have it, but I am thankful for medicine to make the itching STOP!
• a playdate-  We are having friends over to play this afternoon.  That with being out and about this morning will make this day go fast. :)
• YOU- if you are reading this chances are, you are a loved one.  I am so thankful for the people in our lives who love us fiercely.  We have felt that love in the past 7 weeks and we are so grateful.

Thankful Thursday

• 5 weeks ago (exactly- it's 2:30!)  I gave birth to my sweet beautiful girl.  I am thankful today for her, and her memory.  
• I am so thankful for pictures. I love looking at Ella's sweet face.
• I am thankful for the hug from a stranger.  Not exactly a stranger I guess, but from someone I only really know in passing.  It was exactly what I needed today.
• I am thankful for a card in the mail.  They were the perfect words.
• I am thankful for friends who keep calling and texting and emailing to say hi and check in.  I am thankful that they are not stopping even though I may not call, text, or email back.
• I am thankful for coffee in the morning.  Amen.  :)
• I am thankful for a warm cup of tea when I need some comfort.  (now all I need is for my mom to have made it for me- why is it that tea made by someone else is always better?)
• I am thankful for people who love my kids.  It's been hard for me to play with them like they need, or even just to "be" there for them.  But they are doing good and so many have stepped up to love on them.  Grace has been at VBS this week and she's had a fantastic time.

And lastly, I am thankful for laughter.  I've enjoyed this post this week sent by a great friend. It's provided lots to chat about  (really, probably only ladies will care about it, so Dad and Brad, don't click on it. :) )  Go and read it.  Do you have "mom" jeans?! (disclaimer, I am NOT endorsing spending a gazillion dollars on jeans, that's probably why I have "mom jeans" because I will not pay even full price for a pair!)

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

Thankful Thursday

(a few pics, to make this post interesting- the grandparents may get mad if I don't show these two. Ha!)

Four weeks ago today I gave birth to Ella.  Four weeks ago this morning I was dozing thanks to a great epidural.  I'm so thankful for that peaceful day.  We knew what was coming and it could have been so so awful but that day was quiet and peaceful.   Shane just hung out and watched meI snore sleep all day.  I would wake up when the nurses would come in then drift off to sleep.  We had all the monitors turned low so we weren't listening to her heartbeat.  I didn't want to stress about if her heart was beating well or not.

Part of me feels like it was yesterday and part of me feels like it was years ago.  That's bittersweet I think.  I can't live in those moments.  I need to keep going.  My kids need me.  My husband needs me.  But I'd love, more than anything, to hold her again.  I know I will in Heaven.  Praise God for that.  I KNOW she is in a better place.   I just miss her.

Today is Thursday and I am thankful for:

• a gorgeous necklace given by dear friends.  It's Ella's birthstone!  I never thought that I'd have a "ruby".  I love love love it. (and I'm even more thankful for those ladies who so thoughtfully gave it to me)
• a visit this week by my BFFs from Michigan.  I love those girls.  We did nothing special but it was the best.  
• Pictures!  My friend Jess took a few pictures of Ella and "prettied" them up.  I LOVE them!  I may share them on here.  Right now, they are just "ours" and that feels right.
• dinners that were made for us.  They have ended (did they really have to end?!). I know that's a good thing.  I need to start doing some planning and get a schedule going for us.  But those meals were such a lifesaver for my family.
• going out to eat tonight with some amazing ladies.

I had started way back in January, doing Ann Voskamp's gratitude list.  (you can see August's here) but  I slowly stopped . I'm going to start my gratitude journal again and try to do it every day this month.  

Because those who keeping a gratitude list: 1. Have a relative absence of stress and depression. (Woods et al., 2008) 2. Make progress towards important personal goals (Emmons and McCullough, 2003) 3. Report higher levels of determination and energy (Emmons and McCullough, 2003) 4. Feel closer in their relationships and desire to build stronger relationships(Algoe and Haidt, 2009) 5. Increase your happiness by 25% — (Who wouldn’t want a quarter more happiness!) (McCullough et al., 2002) Who doesn’t want all that?

(copied from A Holy Experience)  

I could use a little more happiness and to have closer, stronger relationships and definitely more energy. :)

Amen!

Thankful ... Saturday..

Some days are good, and I get up and do things like make the bed and muffins and make some plans for the day.  And then, out of no where, there is a bad day.  Or a bad moment.  Sometimes I can tell it's coming, and other times it feels like it's coming from nowhere and hitting so hard.  I miss Ella.   I know it's still early and we haven't even been without her for a month, but I just never knew it would be this hard.

I need to start a thankful journal.  I need to keep looking for blessings all around me. I need to keep carrying my album of verses with me that have been so encouraging in the last few months.  I need to get up and get in the Word first thing.  Even if I don't want to get up.  I know I need that, so if you would, please pray that for me- for energy to get up, take a walk and be with God.

Anyway, on this great Saturday, I am making it my "Thankful Thursday post".. Today I am thankful for:

-time with Grandpa.  We have been with Shane's dad this weekend and my kids have been so happy!

- Garage saling.  My husband and FIL humored me and drove all over town this morning.  Got Graham some good fall and winter clothes, then I hit up Children's place. Ah, shopping really is retail therapy (smile)

 -Graham's personality.  He's taken to telling me "no" and ah...(gasp).. hitting a bit when he's unhappy.  I'm choosing to be thankful for his developing personality.  ha!

 Friends!  Oh, I have such good friends.  I LOVE getting mail.  I'm talking old school, go to the mailbox, mail.  We've received so many sweet cards and letters from friends, even some sweet gifts that have been so thoughtful.    I have friends making me meals which is so lovely not to have to worry about cooking, and friends who call and text and check in.  I have the greatest friends.  My girls from MI have come to visit and their kids have entertained mine. (Grace was LOVING having Emma at our house!)  What a blessing all my friends have been for me.

- and this little man who looks like his daddy reminds me to be thankful for the man that I married.  We are walking a hard, hard road, but we are committed to walk it together.  Thank you God for Shane.

Thankful Thursday

Today it's been one week since we celebrated Ella's birth.  I think it's fitting that she was born on a Thursday.  My Thankful Thursdays will be always filled with thanksgiving for her and her life. 

 And I am so very thankful for this little sprite.  She has so much energy.  Her imagination is beyond my dreams.  She is so creative and thoughtful.  She knows this is a hard time for us, and a little hug from her means the world.

And thank you Lord for this little man.  He has taken off with talking and I can't get enough.  He loves to jump and says "watch me mom!"  He is all boy and will throw anything.

I am so thankful for all of my friends and family.  We have been blessed beyond words.  We are being held up in prayers and love by so many.

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime!  Weeping may last through the night but joy comes in the morning.  Psalm 30:5

Thankful Thursday

"This is the day that the Lord has made. We WILL rejoice and be glad in it"

Psalm  118:24

Today I am thankful for:

• homemade beds in the living room with snacks

•  The Library Summer reading program that will keep us busy!

• Baby Girl's hiccups.  I love love love feeling her move.
• the ability to celebrate my firstborn turning FOUR this Sunday.  I am so very thankful for the gift of her life to us.  

Thankful Thursday

 The Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer; my God is my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold

Psalm 18:2

I am thankful today for:

• swimming pools and summer fun
• creative little girls who like to dress up
• good friends who call, visit, share, and love
• The promise of a weekend with my family, doing nothing but being together.

Thankful Thursday

 For he is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us... Ephesians 3:20

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful today for:

• a precious baby kicking in my belly
• my sweet little boy who learns new things every day
• my 3 year old little girl's imagination that blows me away
• my husband who is my rock
• my God who knows my every need before I can even ask.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful that she loves to be with her dad outside exploring. They will go do "camp checks" together or shovel or walk in the creek bed in their boots. She loves being with him.

I am thankful that Shane will go out in the cold and fill my feeders so we can watch the birds. He also is excellent about stocking the fire to keep us warm.

I am so thankful for this site! Can you see the deer? There are two of them. This is the view from my kitchen window. I've been waiting to see them!

and also this one. It's a bluebird. We have quite a few of them around here. This one loved the van. I enjoyed watching it until I went out and saw the "presents" it had left for me on each side of the van. ha!

I'm thankful for good friends who live all over.

Including some that I don't see very often! Bill and Nancy came by to visit a few weeks ago and we determined that it had been 8 years since we had see each other! That mean they go to meet my family for the first time. I am looking forward to more visits with them.

And I'm thankful for this product! I am working on stripping the boarders off of the kitchen wall and this product has made my life so much easier!